[I'm not writing this to update anybody but to remind myself of why the heck I came to Korea. So, apologies if it sounds like another rant. I do what I want. :) ]
I left the comforts of home, my family, my amazing friends, my church, grad school, my band, and my ex-boyfriend to come to Korea, yes, to teach and to learn Korean, but ultimately to draw closer to God. I gave up everything in hope that God would be my everything.
Then when I arrived, I began to experience things from people that tore me apart, piece by piece (the most dangerous of ways to be broken). Jealously. Pride. Bitterness. Lust. I was snubbed, rejected, ignored, misunderstood, back-stabbed. I began to pity myself and look for others to pity me. I never knew myself like this. It was disgusting.
But, it's not like these things had never happen before. Or that I was ignorant of this broken world. But the unexpected bombardment of it all at once caused me to lose my foothold (which is why we should always be firmly founded in Christ). Gah.
I feel like I've taken ten steps back. Korea was getting to me. This monster in me that I never knew existed began to come out. I became impatient, judgmental, rude, bitter, insecure, distrusting, and the list goes on. Though my hopes were to give God my everything, I couldn't even so much as hand over a fingernail- and that was to take the planks out of other eyes. Ouch. I was obsessed with myself and how I'd been wronged.
I need forgiveness. And love. Jesus, I need you to fill me to overflowing, but so much more than before. I am truly nothing without you and so weak. I need to love, and not just with any love, but with the love from God.
I wrote a praise song in Korea, being in the depths of my foolishness, but how quickly I forgot the words:
Stand by me, as I face my darkest fears,
But they will fight with a high cost,
In a war they've already lost.
God, this is my commitment to you: to give you every second of my life. But imma need yo help.
2 comments:
Lis,
Your heart here is really precious. I can relate to your frustration and wanting to be validated and justified. Just know that even though you saw yourself a way you never wanted to be, a way that you felt disgusted with yourself...know that God doesn't care. He so passionately loves you that its not about what you do right or wrong...He wants to have a real, raw relationship, because He already sees the ugly and the beautiful, and He says its GOOD and it's who you are, and that is the person whose heart He longs for. So don't live too long in shame and reproach. Remember that God has called you into a wilderness, that sometimes hurts, but He thinks you are stunningly beautiful, and He's never going to leave your side: it's ok to be human. To be a frail. He can handle your imperfections;) Just a thought....
Love you so much, and miss you.
-Jess
Oh girl, you have no idea how comforting this post is to me right now... same thoughts, same pains, same hope, same forgiveness needed. I miss you, I miss talking to you.
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